Nearly 4 AM

It’s nearly 4 AM; the darkness of the night engulfs me, and I am lost in its embrace. I am alone in the night, surrounded by shadows that try their best to envelop me with their dreary arms. Yet despite how much they try, they will never succeed because even when all hope is gone, you still have your own stubborn spirit to light your way out of the darkness.

There are those who would give anything for what I have now: freedom from the binds of society. Most of those whom I once called my friends think that I’m crazy, or lazy, or unmotivated, but they don’t understand what being truly free means. Maybe it’s simply me being selfish, but right now, this is the life I choose.

Still, sometimes when I look at other people, happy families walking down streets hand-in-hand on Sunday afternoon strolls or young children playing hopscotch on sidewalks, laughing as they count each square off in turn with triumphant shouts of ‘One! Two! Three!’ I feel envy swell up inside of me, silently asking what about me? If only they knew what it was like to live in constant turmoil, constantly wondering how things could or should have been.
I have lost my friends, my family, and almost everyone I thought I knew. But I can’t let myself get caught up in the past because it’ll only bring more pain and sorrow to my heart. Tomorrow is a new day and with it comes new beginnings and new possibilities; if I want them to happen, that is.

My problems could have been solved so easily if I just said the little words that would have taken care of everything. It seems easy enough but deep down inside, even if I knew the words, there would have been something inside telling me not to say them. Telling me not to follow through with the promise that has been whispered into my ear over and over again since the day I left home. So, instead, I shake my head slowly and keep going on until tomorrow arrives.

October 23, 2022, Nearly 4 AM